Happenings

The last two times recently I have felt really good have been both when I have managed to take a few steps on my own....it's nice to even limp :-)

Life's been a little inconvenient for the past few months since I had a hairline fracture. Been quite immobile though I have started to move out lately. Lately, with the doc diagnosing me with the RSD disorder, it seems this will take a "little" longer....let's hope I get to be on my feet soon.

Aseem is a strong believer of Karmas. A couple of days back, on hearing about the RSD disorder, he asked me what is it that I had done for me to have to go thro' this and I said that I didn't know. Now, that is an issue. Well, if I don't even know what have I done (if that is indeed the case) then this is not going to be good.... :-)

Other than this on the personal front, nothing else worth writing home about. Quite honestly, this isn't worth writing about either :-)

Now, let's see what else is happening....around the world.....

Financial crisis - This seems like a 'milestone' in a series of events, to me. Milestone in terms of the transition of power from the west to the east. Now that we are talking milestones, let's see if we can separate this transition into 'stages' -

1. Started in the 90s when the "flat world" concept came into being. Offshoring/Outsourcing were the execution part of the exercise. China became the factory of the world and India, the back-office.
   
2. We moved into Wars on Terror - Suddenly, we saw the US borrowings climbing up at a faster pace....
3. We see the subprime crisis. This is the decoupling stage. This is where the emerging economies realize that the they are expected to think beyond just servicing the 'developed' nations.
4. Dollar dumped as the reserve currency.
5. Rise of a new superpower.

We are in stage 3 now. This again, can be expedited if there is an Israel-Iran war anytime soon. Which does seem a probability. Common sense tells that it can have a very negative affect on the US economy with Iran threatening to block the strait of hormuz through which 40% of world oil passes.

Other than the obvious as to how the rest of the world will deal with this shift of economic strength, something more subtle yet more important that comes out of this is the emergence of a super-power. Will China take that place or will Russia retain its former glory? Well, Russia sure has been exerting its newly regained petrodollar-based-power on it's neighbors. But if I were Russia, I would understand that for me to be the post powerful, I need to take on my challenger to the throne - China. so, logically, we should expect some 'small' skirmishes between the two in the coming years. Let's see where that goes....

What this makes me think is how much of regulation should there be really. What we need to understand is that the subprime crisis was purely a case of greed but then don't all instances of growth begin with greed? What this instance really differs on is the fact that the "financial innovations" that this growth was based on (MBS, CDS, CDO etc.) were actually devoid of any real substance. Quite honestly, it makes you feel that the Wall Street was actually taking everyone for a ride. But does this mean that there should be more regulation to control such instances. Where do we stop? If we move in that direction, how far are we really from becoming socialists? What we need to understand here is that these people were some of the best brains in the country, who could honestly not predict this downturn. Everything looks simple on hindsight but it's the predicting that is challenging....

Other than the financial crisis, one of the other things that fills our newspapers these days is the hunt for new sources of energy. Most nations today have a dearth of energy to fuel our growth. It is actually quite stupid. Energy is one thing we have all around and it is that one thing we seem to be fighting over all the time. What this really tells you is how far we still have to go in terms of exploring our potential. Energy is all around us and yet we are unable to utilize it.

Steamrolled....!!

It's been a good day. A very good day indeed. We had this presentation on Investment Banking strategies. Aseem and I both were quite nervous about the whole thing since finance is not really our forte. Well, there were different roles in the group and we both had been nominated to be the relationship managers - people wo lead the teams when they pitch for deals.

Now, aseem's presentation was right before mine. Thinking that he was nervous (which he never is) I was like he's gonna be ok. Ok? Wrong thought. The guy rocked! The problem between me and aseem is that we have seen each other speak so much that there has to be something very very special to really talk about it. And this was exactly the thing that I had been thinking about a few days back, that either of us cannot be impressed with the other any longer as we have seen each other speaking so so many times that it is hard to see anything different (no matter how much the others rave about it). The most we can do is point out a few areas of improvement in that particular presentation or speech. But how wrong can one be! Well, I learnt today.....

As soon as he stood at the podium, one could see a leader was standing in our midst. I know this sounds quite poetic but it was true, there was an aura around this guy that had to be noticed. He started speaking and I was completely in awe. It was like I was seeing him speak for the first time. The more he spoke, the more I was admiring him(....and also shitting in my pants....! )I was right after the guy and he's my benchmark but rather unfortunately, the bar had been raised just too high today. Man....I was actually scared for the first time! If I was so impressed and hypnotized, I was wondering what the others would be experiencing including the professor....

If I were to describe him in one word - authority! He oozed authority.

I tend to not look at my presentations a lot since my strength lies in my spontaneity but because of the 'carnage' taking place at the podium, I was forced to look at the presentation just to ensure that I knew what I was going to say....those were a few horrid moments of my life! I was actually nervous!!

.....and then there were people saying "if they have aseem, we have ibrahim" and I'm like....no way, man! Not me! I don't even exist! I am going to get rogered....!

After the presentation is over, the professor (who is also the COO of a Nalanda Capital - a $400mn private equity based out of Singapore and previously a director at Merrill Lynch) was totally in awe of aseem. He went to the extent of telling aseem he was "beautiful"....I think that was basically a lack of vocabulary but it basically showed how impressed he was with aseem. Infact, he caught hold of aseem outside separately to tell him the guy was marvelous and any investment bank would be willing to hire him for what he had. That was a wonderful comment from a veteran from the industry. Damned good!

Then it was my turn. Well, it didn't go bad, I definitely saw a challenge and upped my presentation by a few notches too to match his. I am not sure if I did match him or not but most importantly felt good to see that there is some gas left in this tank. I can still raise my output if need be. I spoke better than what I have since I have come over for my MBA.

The professor's comments were heartening.....he said that if I could move around (currently I have a cast on my leg due to a fracture), I may have been as good as aseem....and this was the best compliment he could have given me today. Today, it was aseem all the way......! Coming anywhere close to him or even being associated in the same class made me feel good!

Today, I am sure all those sitting out there knew who the big daddies were ( if I may dare to include moi) ! It is a pity that this could not be witnessed by the other streams.....their loss!

I remember aseem once telling me that he hopes a day will come when he will be able to match my oratory skills....well, Aseem you not only matched it today, you surpassed it by a mile! This is not being modest or humble.....you were just too good to be matched. You beat me at my own game, dude.

Congratulations!

Lost.

Fee Fi Fo Fum
I smell the blood of an Englishman
Be he alive or be he dead
I shall grind his bones to make my bread.

....as I just sat down in my bed to blog, the poem passed thro' my head....no relevance really.

Anyway, these days I feel a little low. I have an idea why. As this MBA moves into it's final leg, it is time to decide what I want to do next and that.....is not easy. Having majored in finance, I am not really worth taking up this field. Going back to IT makes me feel I may have wasted a good one year of my life. So, I am basically in a limbo.

One had hoped for a business plan by the end of this course but it seems that is not to be....for now, at least. Aseem has spent quite a bit of time hoping that I will wake up and make some valuable contribution but that has not happened either and now he needs to figure out what he wants to do. Sticking with me is not going to help him.

Lost. That is what I am. It wasn't very different earlier either but then the job was a respite that helped me pass my time. Now....now it's different, I am supposed to make some decisions - decide what I want to do next. And I swear, I have no idea.

This MBA had 3 purposes:
1) Help me break from the rut I was in for the last eight years and 'rejuvenate' me so that I enjoyed working again.
2) Help me learn finance.
3) Clear my thoughts so as to know where I want to take my life.

I have achieved neither of the 3. I am where I was a year back.

As of now, I am thinking about finishing this course and spending some time with zi and ayesha. Go back to India and then look for a job. Heck! I don't even feel like working. This is the problem.....I don't want to work. My heart's not into it.

I am in a semi-depressed state for months now and I am sliding even further. I find the environment stifling and this is killing me. Once I dislike something/someone, chances are things won't change. Ever.

Life is a set of equations. You have two equations and you know the variables, you have answers. Just keep forming the equations and you will have your answers. The time you don't get answers is when you tend to complicate your equations with unnecessary variables. It seems that I haven't got my equations right as yet.

Life is straight. It's just that we have chosen to be blind and deaf.

Arrogance.

So, this is how it goes.....arrogance is forbidden. Period.

My Lord does not like it. Does not tolerate it. There is none bigger, mightier, greater than Him. The literal word of Islam is surrender - surrender to the Lord's will. You surrender yourself completely. Arrogance does not allow you to do that. Till the point you do not realize that you do not have an identity without His will, you will continue to resist surrendering to His will. And He does not like that.

My time is coming. My time to accept His will completely without a word uttered. If I have arrogance, that needs to go first. How does that go? Well, it's not very hard to figure out....you go through "back-breaking" times - in my lingo your spine is broken till the time you have completely bowed to Him, submitted to His will.

What that effectively means is that there is a rough rough road ahead...time to learn to prostrate....

What's on...

Whats on? I'm tired and sleepy. Slept at around 430 last morning. Woke up late but that does not take away the fact that I haven't slept long enough :-)

Anyway, no discourses today. I don't think they make sense to anyone but me (to some extent). Spent last evening with zi which was good. He's just joined his new job. Still getting used to the place. Just had one advice for him - don't screw anyone especially your boss. Sonofabitch has a really bad temper. I shit in my pants when I think I have pissed him off. Anyway, things were ok with him otherwise mashallah.

This reminds me of another character, who's mood is swinging like a pendulum these days...Aseem. Looks quite irritated these days. God knows why. I know he has a mood swings just as I do, but I have never seen it swing as much as I have seen in the past week or two. Snaps off at the drop of a hat. Phew! I'm keeping my distance man. Just don't want him screwing my backside for whatever reason. I think this place is really getting to him right now. But I am not too sure about that either as he's just been to India last month. You can't really get homesick in a month for Christ's sake! Whatever it is....I hope he figures it out soon, if he hasn't already. I am not feeling good seeing his mood swings. Mood swings is like a disease, it's a bad thing. You are just not stable. So, if it's in small proportions, it's ok. Everyone has it but if you have it like me, then you really feel sorry for yourself. Aseem's nowhere near that but I hope he controls it asap, all -ve things just keep growing inside you if you don't consciously check them. He's a balanced character, far more balanced than me. I am sure he will control it.

Speaking of homesickness....it's happening to me. Quite honestly, I am not too sure if it's homesickness or am I just plain sick of this place. Would love to be back in Delhi asap. It's roughly 26 days to go now from what I am hearing.....nice. Wait a minute! I haven't booked my ticket as yet....:-)

Classes.....not too sure whats going on. It's 6 months now and I haven't picked up much as of now. Not good. The professors are top grade. Most from IIMs etc...you honestly can't get better than that. But I guess the batch is not really there. Was thinking about this for a while when Aseem mentioned the other day, this is part of destiny and we will know what we are here for. That's absolutely true. The way this whole thing happened, it was just odd. There's got to be a purpose. I am sure we will both know it soon.

Things happening on Gaudy's front too....he's thro' in his first round for the PM IJP. Good for him. I am sure he will be able to pull off the second round provided his "surdiness" doesn't strike during the interview. Y'see Gaudy is a very fine manager but somehow, I think it's the nervousness of sitting in an interview which causes him to blurt out some of the most astonishing (and amusing) answers! Anyway.....he's very close to becoming a PM now. He cannot afford NOT to cross the finishing line now. I am sure he will. Pradipta, I am sure would have always felt that he had some very strong horses when it came to becoming PMs - Aseem, Gautam and Ibrahim. So, it would be most unfortunate if Gautam lets him down. Aseem always had the odds brought about by the preconceived notions heavily stacked against him. The preconceived notions were more of management and more of peers. If I were sitting in the Sr. management's position, would I really like to piss off a good 2 dozen of "aspiring PMs" by making Aseem a PM who was less than half their experience? Not really. It's common sense. Even while knowing that Aseem was possibly beyond this mediocrity by infinity....now this is what I call "management by mediocrity" :-) So, Gaudy is the last one left and so, cannot afford to let Pradipta down especially when he's almost there, knocking on the door.

Hopefully, will be making a trip to AD this friday. This may just be my last trip before I leave this place. So, it's important I see Ayesha, Chip and the little ones.

In short, life's ok....my "system malfunction" has come almost under control after close to 2 weeks just as I had thought. It takes a while for the system to cool off. Still learning the ropes.

She's doing ok. Missing me. An angel - that's what she is. I miss her.

Later.

Sins...

A depressing subject but let's talk sins. Let's break up the sins into two categories -

1) Committed against another being
2) Committed against Him.

The system is based on fairness. What you sow is what you reap. If you are a sinner, there is a punishment. But again, the rule of double jeopardy applies. If you are punished in this world, you will not have to face a trial there. A note of caution - the punishment must be as per the severity of the sin committed. So, if you manage to get a 'lean' sentence for the sin in this world, your penance is not complete. The sentence must be completed.

Can penitence reduce/remove penance?

Well, this is a little tricky. The party wronged here is the one which has the right to forgive the perpetrator which can reduce/eliminate the penance but otherwise, it remains. Again, in the right sense of penitence, the perpetrator would feel so sorry about what he/she has done that the person may actually ask for penance. This again, is sort of an oxymoron since the purpose of penance is forgiveness and forgiveness leads to 'zero' penance.

Let me try to explain the para above, how many times do we ask for forgiveness where we genuinely feel that we need to be punished? Well, if that's not the case, then the penitence is asked out of fear of the punishment that we anticipate or are undergoing at the moment. So, if you look at it, we still have not realized the pain that we have caused the victim. And so, the penitence is not 'genuine'. And so, the penance remains. The problem with this is that even after reading this, you will realize that the penitence will only come from within, from the heart. Reading this or not will not get you any closer to genuine penitence....

Sin against God - this is what I know - He is the most Beneficent, the most Merciful. But the rules above apply.

Don't ask for punishment. Be genuine in your penitence. For He is the knower of which ye know not. If you don't understand the depth of the statement above, I suggest you don't take advantage of it.

Philosophizing

An observation - when adversity strikes people, they start to philosophize more. I am actually unable to put the point forward clearly but let me try it once again. Possibly because we are unable to change the situation we are in, that we look to philosophize and feel we are in some way dealing with the issue. There are several times one is busy appreciating a blog written oozing in philosophy or even the quality of the language used and skip doing a root cause analysis of the issue itself. In short, we derive some sort of pleasure out of the whole ordeal!

What we don't notice is that we are not focusing on the problem. If you don't believe me, try noticing it. What a sheer waste!

Time, Light and Us - Part II

Think of it like this - one film, one picture, one shot. Nothing else.

Just One.

How does this film become multi-dimensional? Light. What's light? Light defines the distance there exists for one entity to acknowledge an event (ie, to realize that an event has happened). Now, let's take this a step further - let's assume that everything (and this means past, present and future - everything) was created at the same moment - all events. These events were exposed (read: brought to life) by the 'light' at different times in history. Now, let's visit the basics:

distance = speed * time.

Faster the speed, more the distance, lesser the time. Hence, distance and time are inversely proportional. Hence, speed is the inversely proportional factor b/w distance and time. Here, if you were to replace 'distance' with light, what we get is:

Light is inversely proportional to time - what I spoke about in my last blog. So, there is an equation in our midst and I did not see it. Silly of me.

If you break the speed of light, what you will do, is that you will see the future. This is how it transpires. Let the time now be 'x'. Light exposes an event at time 'x+5'. You with your current speed see it at time 'x+5' (this is a future event). Now if you were to travel faster than light, in all probability, you will see this happening at 'x+3' - 2 units of time before it actually takes place. If one were to travel faster than light, you will see the event happening before the light exposes it to the world. You will see the future. What I am unable to explain is how do you travel in the past (if that's true). I do believe that that, too, is possible. It's just that I am unable to put the pieces together right now to explain it.

This poses a lot of open questions. I am having a headache now to frame those questions.

Time, Light and Us

A couple of days back I had started to write on time travel. But I had to stop since I do not carry the prerequisite knowledge on the subject. There were just too many questions such as "If you were to break the speed of light, will you travel back in time?". With my (read: genuine) handicap of being unable to read beyond international current affairs, I wasn't sure what was said on this subject. Had a chat with Aseem where he mentioned basically it is said that the aging process of a being will slow down the closer it approaches speed of light. Relatively speaking, what this means is that you are moving slower than the time in your dimension. Assuming this, there is a possibility that once you break the speed of light, you will start moving back in time. Anyway, not being a subject matter expert on this, this could all be a fallacy for all you know. But what is of relevance and possibly proven by our dear friend Einstein is that the speed of light is the barrier to any such alterations.

This brought me to the question of "why light". Why not sound? Why not a figure other than the speed of light? Why not something other than light? What's so special about light? Well, we really don't know. But let's just think what we can derive out of all this.....

1. If light can change certain things and possibly the time dimension you are in then there must be a relationship b/w light and time (there has to be an equation). From what I know, there is none at the moment. So, if you wish to travel in time, figure this one out. You will get your answer to time travel.

2. Again, if you were to look at it holistically, light is nothing but energy. But it seems that this form of energy has some characteristics which gives it it's capability to travel "through" time. So, light seems to be an immense source of energy (this means we are not tapping it enough). It can very easily solve our energy issues. You need to first understand when I use the word immense, feel the significance of what I am saying. Then you will realize that this is possibly a highly under-utilized source of energy at the moment. We need more research here.

Now, this forces me to digress from this topic and take you to another source of energy - nuclear - fision or fusion. If atoms carry such immense energy to power a whole city and they reside within us, can you imagine the level of energy that resides within us? It's like saying that if I were to plug a human into a power grid, we can possibly generate enough energy to keep the world running for years infinitum. I know it sounds ridiculous (and diabolical) but all I want you to realize is the amount of energy that resides within us as well as remains (somehow) under control. A very interesting mechanism worth exploring.

So, with all this hullabaloo we just figured out two sources of energy that can in all probability power the systems ad infinitum. Why are we crying over fossil fuels so much?

So, if anyone bothers to read this blog - you got two takeaways - (1) figure out an equation between time and light specifically for which you need to figure out the quantum of energy that resides in a unit of light and then see how does it equate with time. (2) Try understanding the amount of energy that exists within us or any living being for that matter and what does this mean.

ps - The relationship b/w light and time should form something of a nature where light is inversely proportional to time assuming the closer you get to the speed of the light the slower you get w.r.t to the speed of time. Stupid thoughts? Deviating from my "I don't care" attitude, I would really like to hear your thoughts just in case you know something that I don't. I am sure there's ample. Post your comments if they can add value to my (uninformed) opinions.

just the day..

It's 9pm here and I just woke up. My timings have really gone for a toss. I sleep in the evenings and then stay up till 5 in the morning - either playing snooker with aseem and the others or listening to music. Haven't picked up a book for ages. Crap. This is not good.

We had a field visit today. For anyone who wanted to know about the wafers and biscuits industry, it was a good insight. What I did miss, was a talk about one of the managing partners of Frost and Sullivan in Singapore on Consultancy. But luckily, Aseem attended, so one of us was there to hear him.

Aseem seems quite inclined in getting into the consultancy business while I am not as keen. It's not like I wouldn't want to set up a consultancy but I feel it will take longer to take off as you first need to build a reputation before you start targeting bigger businesses where the real money lies and I really don't have the time to wait for that long. Anything that we do must be worth selling or disinvesting in 3-4 years.

Illusion

I am so high, I can hear heaven
I am so high, I can hear heaven
Whoa, but heaven...no, heaven don't hear me

Flashback....I was moved from nursery to the 1st grade. I moved from Dubai to AD. I had lost all my friends. I had barely done my alphabet when I was supposed to be reading some stupid books. All this due to the fact that my dad found it rather stupid that 3 of his kids would be in the same school while the youngest of the brood (moi) will be a distance away. He was basically too lazy to go to 2 places to pick us up. We weren't the bus types until much later. That's my dad!

That wasn't easy. I had a handicap. I just didn't know what people were doing in the class. Heck, I didn't even know which book to take out as I couldn't really read...I struggled but pulled up my socks (thanks to my mom) and managed...

Flashback again.....12th. I had a lot of family issues going on. Mom wasn't keeping well, plenty of other issues too. I know how I got through. I did.

Fast forward to present....MBA Finance - don't understand a shit. History repeats itself. I carry a handicap again. So, let it be.....inshallah....he pulled me out earlier. He will pull me out again...it is time to pull up my socks again.....

What am I waiting for? Miracle? Miracles reside in you. Believe this world is an illusion. There is nothing as 'reality'. The day you break this barrier, there is nothing stopping you. Think Matrix. This world does not exist. Not even you - it's an illusion which can be controlled/changed if you desire to do so. But you have to break the realms of 'reality'. 'Reality' is a barrier that you have created for yourself.

Look deep inside you and realize what you are doing and what you are capable of. An honest judgment of utilization of your capability will help you realize how much much more you can do. If I were to look at myself, I am quite sure I am utilizing myself at say, 3-5% of my mental capacity and that too, in a very haphazard manner. The rest 95%, too, has been given to you by God for use.

But you need to unlock the door first. Find the key. To each his own, I look for mine.

Mental capability is divided into stages. The first 5%-7% is 'unlocked' by default to almost all individuals if not all. And we do not even make use of this. Then the stages begin. I am unaware of how many stages exist but I would possibly put them as below:

below 7%
8-15%
15-30%
30-40%

I am not too sure of the stages beyond this. I do feel that that the 8-15% and 15-30% may be just one stage with one key. So, can you imagine how would it be if you enter the 8-30% bracket? Unbelievable....and that's just the beginning.

Now, the mind, brains etc.....is just fine but where does the heart stand it all of this. The capability to use your 'processing power' does not necessarily mean you know how to use it. This capability does not qualify you as 'wise'. Please understand - 'wise' is not how sharp you are, it's about how you use this capability. We are all prisoners in this world. His judgment on the day of resurrection will decide whether you were 'wise' or otherwise.

If the para above didn't make sense to you, it's ok. What you need to understand is that the heart and mind are controlling mechanisms over each other. If either goes out of synch with the other (and when I say, synch it means that one has lost 'influence' over the other - 'control' would not be an apt word as these two work in tandem and should not control each other) the person does not ever meet his complete potential. The person may do very well in a certain aspect with the strong processing power provided but the overall potential is lost somewhere. This is not about the last day. This is not about the Day of Resurrection. This is pure common sense.

So, as you unlock the secrets of the mind, there is a 'heart' angle to it. This, now, suddenly, brings me to the question of the potential of the heart. Why have we not thought about it. If , today, the mind and heart have a decent influence over each other in us and we are performing at <7% capacity then even the heart has stages of capability? Hadn't thought about that earlier. Interesting....quite interesting....

How do we open the heart? I donno. Not that I have an answer to the 'key' for the mind either......

This world is an illusion....watch as it changes every moment....He is sending a constant wake up call to us all about what we are capable of unlocking within us. Nothing more.

Watch....

(lyrics: Hero - OST Spiderman - Chad Kroeger)

Suno Unsuni (hear the unheard)

Who's a leader?

I have always believed a leader is one who stands up while everyone else is crouching under the table. They come in when you have your back against the wall, when there seems to be no way out, when the rats have already fled the boat, when every trust sinks. To make it less dramatic, when the going gets tough. I do not touch upon the fact whether all those who have done so have done the right things after that. This is just about who's a leader - good or bad is something we all talk in retrospect.

Today I heard something which pleasantly made me think - a leader is one who is capable of catching the pulse of the race. A leader is one who reads the writing on the wall even before it appears. A leader is one who hears the unheard.

A worthy thought indeed....

You

You walk behind me.
You walk beside me.
You walk with me.

You feel me.

You hold me.
You protect me.
You bless me.
You carry me.

You feel me.

You cry with joy when I laugh.
You cry in pain when I scream.
You weep when I am sad.

You feel me.

You get angry when I display arrogance.
You scold me when my stupidities don't cease.
...and yet you watch over me.

You feel me.

You surround me.
You shield me from harm.
You lift me when I feel small.
You play with me whenever I need someone.

You feel me.

I feel you in me.
I feel you with me.
I feel you around me.

I feel you.

You fell in love with me when you saw me.
....I fell in love with you when I felt you.

Forgiveness

Allah dohaai hai.
Betaabi chaayi hai
Mushkil judaai hai
Haan....tere pyaar mein....


My biggest problem...my honesty. My bluntness. Now don't get me wrong, I am not one of those self conceited characters who believes he is the epitome of honesty, integrity etc. Infact, I have very little faith in my own abilities to remain on the right path.

I carry strong opinions over most subjects. This opinion can sometimes cause distress, hurt to people close to me. Done this again.

I seek forgiveness. I sincerely do.


(lyrics courtesy: Race - Race is on my mind)

Scared....

She always said it but I couldn't comprehend - "Y'know ibrahim the world has become very different. People are extremely selfish and self-centered. Extremely materialistic and focussed on themselves and nothing else. I feel I am not part of this world really" Well, me being a "man of the world" always brushed it aside and said that this is how it always was and there is nothing odd about it. Some people are good and some, bad. There was nothing weird about it, she was unnecessarily creating a fuss in her head. Anyway, this happened quite recently - came across one such person who suddenly made me realize how morals have become so meaningless. To be quite honest, there is no wrong which has taken place as yet. But there was an extreme sense of disgust and repulsion that I feel for the person. I had come across one such person earlier too but i guess the reality hit home now. Slowly and slowly I feel detached from the people around me. I guess I am not them. Nor can I tolerate all this.

What bothers me is that this is not such a big deal really (all that where it stems from). One primary reason for this - I have no right to speak on the matter or even voice an opinion as I it is someone else's private matter. But I don't like it and have a very strong opinion in this case. A strong opinion? Why? No reasons.

I am sensing a change in me....my eyes are opening......my time's coming.....my capabilities are going to grow manifolds now....or rather I shall learn what I am capable of.....

It's coming....and I am scared.

Quest from within....

Choo loon main, itna karein....
Chal padoon, tou kitna door....

Missed me? Well, you would if you were reading this blog. Sadly, no one does other than me. So, it's good to be back....now, if you are expecting something radically different (or even just different for that matter), well you are in for surprise....there isn't going to be any :-)

Anyway, life's moving along. Studies are just about ok. Not very happy with how I have handled Corporate Finance ( should have done a better job). Anyway it's not too late. I am sure I will cover it up. Again, that's not really important. What's more important is that I am back to write what I would like to read later....! Now let me figure out what I would like to read the next time I open this blog.....

The same questions keep coming back to me -- if I think this MBA is worth it or not and somehow people around me are more worried about the answer,then I really am. Infact, I am at peace over this decision. I know this is the right decision.

Events in the last couple of weeks.....

We had this professor who had come over to teach us Oral......(no) Communication....got your hopes hi, huh? Well, anyway, total crap, quite honestly. I really creamed her in the feedback....again ,this is irrelevant. What's more important is that this lady was amazing at face reading. I, out of my ego, refused to see her till Aseem went and she read Aseem unbelievably well. It was truly amazing. I can probably read the guy this well having spent a large part of my last 3 years with him but someone who's probably done just 3-4 sessions, can she really do it? Yes, she did. Simply amazing. Then I made the trip too, and she actually read me very well. She told me and aseem both that we were leadership material. Infact, she mentioned that aseem and I were "xerox copies" of each other w/o knowing that aseem and I know each other prior to joining this MBA. I was really impressed ( it also had a lot to do with the fact that she praised both of us separately to high heavens.....that was nice.....c'mon who doesn't like to be praised)

Spoke to Gaudy....the new IJP for Project Managers is out. Nice. Gaudy gets to become one this time. He actually deserved to be one looking at those who did become the last time. He just made huge faux pas. I am sure Pradipta or Raman won't let it happen this time. The guy's good and you can't ignore his capabilities just because of some stupidities in an hour of interview.

Went over to Abu Dhabi to see Ayesha. This was the first time I went home since coming over 2 months back. As soon as I am in AD, I feel like I am home. Dubai just does not give me that feel. Abu Dhabi is home. I know that AD too has changed a lot since I was here roaming the streets but yet, it's home. Was nice to be home. On top of that, good to see Ayesha, Chip and the little ones.

I have also decided to read and understand the book of knowledge. I shall read the Holy Quran. The book has knowledge and I want that. This is probably just another way of looking for peace that has eluded me for years. I need it. I hope that knowledge is bestowed upon me and I do not misuse it. With knowledge comes great responsibility. I look forward to it.

Spoke to her. It's always nice to hear her. She's an angel. Beautiful. Simply beautiful.

Akela nahi main, khuli ankhon se neend mein chalta....
Girta zyada kam sambhalta.....

Akela nahi main, khuli ankhon se neend mein chalta....
Girta zyada kam sambhalta.....

Don't cheat the person you love. If you think that she is not meant for you, say it, accept it and end the relationship. Don't drag it. It's not helping her. It's not helping you. But you must know what you really want. In love, I believe, it's more important to be honest than a good samaritan. There is nothing as a good samaritan in love. Honesty comes before conscious. Here again, honesty with oneself before honesty with the one you care for (please note I do not use the word 'love' here - you probably don't love the person any longer - you probably never did).

Either you are in love or you are not. End of it. And everyone knows where they stand. Accept it. Don't run from it. You can't. The more you run, the more you are digging a hole for yourself.

Akela nahi main, khuli ankhon se neend mein chalta....
Girta zyada kam sambhalta.....

One last thing...I beat Aseem in Snooker.....well he gave me 40 to start with. Trust me, I lost twice with that kind of a score to start with. This guy's amazing. A treat to watch. I haven't seen too many people playing but this guy is simply amazing. We have this other guy who says he is an ex-state champion. Aseem can beat that guy any day he wants. Y'see, Aseem's someone on whom I can bet my life on almost anything he does. This is the faith I carry in him. Back to the point....Amazing snooker player....Superb! That's not the point dimwit....I beat him..yeah!!!!

(lyrics from Mera Jahaan from Taare Zameen Par)

Even-steven

Sobti used to always talk about the 'little black book' - everyone has one, especially in the workplace. Allow me to elaborate the concept - if you were to cause one any sort of heartburn - possibly by way of a promotion, 'one-upmanship' - anything for that matter - even an argument, he/she will jot your name down in his/her little black book and when the time is right - a time when you will not be able to retaliate - this person will definitely make sure that you pay for your earlier intransigence. Such people always get back at you.

What hurts is when your subordinates are made to pay in order to avenge your intransigencies. Someone who has nothing to do with whatever has happened just gets it for no rhyme or reason and it hurts more than it would if the person had just made you pay in some way.....and today I can't do a shit.

You got me. We are even now. I owe you nothing.

Let me loose....

Let me loose! I say, let me loose.....

....and watch me fly....!

Episode1 - Vision

What would you rate as the single most important trait to set up and sustain an organization/ business/ firm/ whatever...? Well, I guess a good idea is what you start with (no denying that) but I guess to sustain as well as grow, a vision is most important. I'm not talking of something that others haven't done so but this is a subject worth talking about - over and over again. It's still something that is required on an imperative basis in order to setup, run and grow an organization. I consider myself to be a very strong believer of the Traits Theory - theory that talks about leaders being born. They betray those traits. Anyway, this blog is not about either the theory or the way leaders are shaped. It's about a specific trait that may or may not be present in a leader - Vision.

Vision - The capability not only to identify gaps and devise/propose solution(s) but also to see beyond the obvious. Experience teaches you to tweak plans. Coaching/ workshops teach you how to plan again but vision is from within. You either have it or you don't.

You can create managers out of experience and classrooms but certainly not people with vision.

ME quiz went ok. Pretty simple, might I say. Got one on OB tomorrow. As they say ( or rather I say) life moves on from one quiz to another....

....Right now, I'm just sitting on my backside listening to some good music and penning down my thoughts. Aseem seems to have disappeared, said he was studying for the quiz tomorrow, which is a good thing. We just got to know that grading out here is relative and I'm guessing we both are probably languishing somewhere at the bottom right now. Not good. That's not what we are here for.

Zi seems to be looking for me with a great deal of impatience. Thinks I have run out of money or will very soon. Told him I'm doing just fine. It's hard to explain things to him sometimes. It took quite a bit of persuasion to tell him that we will meet up a couple of days later so that we can sit down rather than him coming down for a couple of minutes to give me dough and pushing off.

Spoke to Ayesha today, she's doing ok. Chip, kids and she went to some park and spent the day there. She sounded a little down. I guess handling 3 very young kids can be a little tiring. I need to go see her. Will probably do that in a week or two. Papers start from Feb 18th. Wierd. I'm still settling down here.....

In all that I'm doing, I still keep looking for what I really want to do. Clueless. But, I guess, that's me. That also reminds me of my (huge) temperament problem. As usual, was a little rude with her yes'day. THAT'S NOT GOOD. Period. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned (courtesy: the Bible, I believe). You certainly can't survive one of those.....

Though this has nothing to do with the earlier topic, there are three kinds of people I fear -fools, hypocrites and cold women.

1. Fools - you never know what they may do and get you in a soup.
2. Hypocrites - for obvious reasons ( and if I need to explain this to you, then congratulations sir - you are part of the first category!)
3. Women - if a woman is cold, trust me there cannot be someone colder than her. Women and men differ on the basis of their Emotional Quotient (EQ). Women are certainly more emotional and look at things in that fashion. If they can curb this aspect of their nature, especially in desire of a goal, then there is very little chance you can really stand in her way. Yes, they do scare me.

Need to catch up on ME.

Ciao, for now.

ME

Microeconomics - i hate this subject. God knows how people manage to digest it....

I have a quiz tomorrow and I have no clue what I am gonna do over there. It's dry and on top of it, i need someone to explain things to me and that's not happening here. Need to read it myself and I am not very good at it.

Spoke to Gaudy. Nice. The guy's doing ok. It's kinda funny - the three of us - me, aseem and gaudy. A very unusual trio. Hard to explain - Gaudy - if he has it his way, he would probably turn spiritual now, right now. Aseem - extremely amibitious - yet again someone who seems to be looking for his spiritual side. Me - confused, all the time. And yet, we feel we will set something up together. And carry immense faith in each other's ability to not only stand in good stead but also to take the firm forward. I believe (or would like to believe) that I will be the 'conscious' of the organization.

I have done a lot of things I am not proud of and will continue to do so in my life. I wish to atleast make sure that places where the impact may be beyond me, I do not do things which are selfish (she always says I am selfish - and I totally agree with it).

Aseem asked a very peculiar ? this evening while we were having dinner - do I believe in love? I actually did not understand the question until it wasn't further elaborated. I generally don't talk all this and least of all, post it - find it very unlike me. But the question is actually good. The example with which Aseem explained love was quite interesting too....oxygen. Oxygen in it's complete purity cannot be inhaled and so, impurities need to be added to reduce it's volatility. Love is quite like that - and from what he seemed to be saying I am possibly the impurity in my relationship.....quite interesting....I have never denied that you really need an angel to tolerate me in my true colors....and I am most thankful to her for that......and my lord for finding her for me.

Microeconomics....gotta get back.

ciao....for now.

Read if you have nothing else to do.

Dair ho gayi, laut aao.
Dair ho gayi, laut aao.....

Microeconomics - at the end of the day if you are unable to link up what you study with the practical scenario, then the objective becomes hazy - which again, doesn't lead you anywhere. Trust me, the desire to score is a motivation in itself, especially when you pay thro' your nose for a course like this....but somewhere along the line one is not satisfied. I am yet to figure out why am I doing this. I guess it will take a while to get over this.....

Bhaaya nahi tumko humse bhichadna
Bahut roliye, ab phir se muskao....

Markets taking a tumble -- I guess the writing is on the wall - the economic center of gravity has started to move towards the east and India and China will be the places to watch out for. From my (layman) perspective, Africa is a great place to step in now, another decade and that place will start paying dividends in a big way.....

Good to talk to Kangan. Very nice kid. Clean at heart. Very few people come out this way - straight. I have always had a liking for her. May the Lord always take care of her and watch over her. Some of the very very few people I feel like keeping in touch with.

Dair ho gayi, laut aao.
Dair ho gayi, laut aao.....

Sometimes, i just don't have thoughts. Thoughts to do anything productive. Anything worthwhile. Sometimes, I know I am the king. You can't beat me. But this is not how the world runs. You've got to be consistent. This is what everyone wants. Even if you are mediocre, please be consistent in that...:-)

....well, not all of us are meant for great things. Some of us will serve. Serve we will. For He demands it. For He deserves it. For He is the One.

Raaste akele hain, har mor tanha
Bahut chhup kara hai jungle, aa jaaoo...


Peace? How many people really get peace. Not too many I guess. I haven't really experienced it in ages. Mind's upto something or the other. The pity is that I have no clue what. Just that it's busy like some sort of a processor running at 100% capacity.

Roomies been nice. College been good. I really wonder how many of us will really turn out to be so successful that the others will talk about having been in the same college as the former. Not many I guess. Probably none. Well......I don't think so. Aseem will reach that height, inshallah. I know. That's when I will be able to say that I knew this guy. Knew? What happens tomorrow, is something you are completely unaware of as of today. So, you just don't know....

Only one thing is constant about life and that's change
Only one thing is certain about life and that's death.

We all live on borrowed time....and then the clock stops ticking.

Teri yaad...

Teri yaad.....teri yaad....main teri parchaiyaan.

It's close to 1 in the morning here. Me listening to some good music i downloaded this afternoon. I got microeconomics beginning tomorrow (which I fear may be a very dull subject). But anyway, that's just fine.

This whole thing about moving from my job to doing MBA has been fun. Most ppl say taking finance is a suicide in my case. I am probably dumping my whole 8 years of experience but I honestly don't care. What somehow really matters to me is that I do what I want. Makes me feel good. I have never been very risk-averse. There are feelings inside me which tell me what I need to do and I just play along. This is again one of those. I am sure it will turn out ok.

Aseem's doing ok too. But I feel he's a little homesick. Is a little irritated at times. It happens to most of us when we go away from home the first time (it didn't happen to me even the first time). I am sure he will get used to it and settle down.....

...life moves on.....

song: Is Baar Milo - Hadiqa Qiyani - love it.

Most important message here: Met my brother. Not after a long time though, met him in novemeber too, when i was here in dubai the last time. It's always good to see mashallah. May the lord always takes care of him. Amen.